Betty Murambadoro
EVER interacted with personalities that swing from one extreme of emotions to the other? Managing these roller-coaster experiences can be demanding and even costly if not navigated intelligently. I get puzzled when I imagine how the biblical David managed to play the harp for Saul to help him ward off the evil episodes haunting him, and yet Saul would threaten to pierce the very same talented harp-player. Whenever David played the harp, this would bring relief to Saul from the tormenting evil spirits. Despite the soothing experience the music brought, Saul attempted more than once to pin David to the wall with a sword. Such is the case with some of our relations, societal connections and even marketplace experiences. I have concluded these to qualify for what I term “pendulum relationships”.
A pendulum swings from one end to the other extreme. The dilemma is on where to position myself mentally and emotionally as the swings happen. Do I follow the swing along and if yes, then up to where? Or do I stand still in the middle and let the pendulum swing back and forth? The first option means moving with the tide and adjusting your emotions to match the relationship partner’s mood. The second option is about remaining calm in the storm and maintaining own unique emotional stance or remaining unmoved. The real art starts with the ability to correctly decode where the pendulum is oscillating towards.
Despite the erratic or unstable nature of these pendulum relationships, there may still be scope for deriving increased business or value. The excessive highs and lows of these relationships call for resilience and stamina. Whether in family dynamics or marketplace, we should endeavor to be relationship strategists with capacity to wisely decode and navigate the oscillation of pendulum relationships.
In my recently published book, “Relational Wealth- Why relationships are the world’s real capital,” I touched on the scars I endured which later turned into strategy and the wins I achieved with the same relationships that almost crushed me. Such is the nature of pendulum relationships. It is not necessarily about quitting on the pendulum relationships but managing them. Of course, there is need to know when to disinvest further efforts when continued interaction becomes life-threatening. In cases where total disinvestment is not feasible, one may consider reducing “airtime” accorded to that individual. For instance, instead of meeting them every week, consider meeting them once a month, for emotional wellbeing. I was fascinated recently by a colleague, who unashamedly explained that she can only take small doses of a certain family member, and therefore is very calculative on the amount of time she spends with this “pendulum relationship”. She has found creative ways to ride the tides of the member’s extreme swings, but keeping the relationship intact. Surprisingly, the member seems unaware that there is a pendulum management system in operation.
In my pendulum analogy, I depict two extremes of positivity and negativity or sadness and happiness. The pendulum can swing to the extreme level of the “happy hormone”. In such cases of extreme happiness mode, the art of knowing how to make hay-while-the-sun-shines kicks in. The biblical Queen Esther, after delighting the king was able to negotiate a life-time deal for her people. The king, in his extreme happy moment made a massive offer for Esther to position her wishes. Likewise, in the marketplace context, identify moments that coincide with the business partner’s happy moments. This is where customer strategy might actually coincide with opportunities for value addition.
In the family context, there is always someone who knows the opportune moment to unlock a desired outcome from either side of the pendulum. It is often wise to bring in these master-key personalities to help you whenever you desire to unlock a particular result. These personalities know what to do when the family member is on the extreme left or right side of the pendulum swing. Why torture yourself when there is someone who has mastered the art to get quick alignment?
While pendulum relationships can be managed and even leveraged, preserving one’s emotional and psychological wellbeing must always take priority over maintaining the relationship. As a relationship strategist, know when to minimize contact or intentionally reduce exposure to protect your emotional and mental wellbeing. Timing your engagement wisely is demonstrated in understanding the behavioural patterns and engage when constructive outcomes are most likely. Not every pendulum relationship must be sustained, maturity also lies in knowing when to step away.
I have derived key learnings from my childhood, family and marketplace experiences with pendulum relationships. It would be misleading to say I have mastered the art fully. Somehow, I am enhancing my shock-absorbers in navigating the swings I have observed over the years in my ecosystem of family, friends and marketplace partners. Ultimately, the goal is not to survive pendulum relationships, but to engage them wisely. without losing your equilibrium.
Here are some learnings I have derived :-
1.The winners are always those with the ability to manage relationships through the swings and remain unscathed;
2.Keep your alertness antennas up and know how to ride the tide whichever direction the pendulum is going;
3.Self-mastery matters in governing yourself in face of the extremes associated with pendulum relationships;
4.Make the most out of pendulum relationships by your ability to predict the swings, containing the emotional roller-coaster and navigating with grit;
5.The goal is to achieve steadiness and consistency, eventually earning the trust as the pendulum relationship oscillates back and forth;
6.Know when to minimize contact to avoid toxicity and protect your mental health;
7.Understand the oscillations, time the feedback appropriately and make the relationship more palatable.
I pen-off my fifteenth article here and wish the readers well in our ongoing journey towards effectively managing pendulum swings in relationship management, in our quest to become solid relationship strategists.
Murambadoro is the managing director of Nedbank,