Bad habits that could ruin your marriage

Do you spend more time complaining about an issue than working to resolve it?

DO you pay more attention to Facebook and your smartphone than to your husband? Have you been avoiding sex? Do you hide big purchases from your partner? These behaviours hurt your marriage. But it’s not too late to change bad habits. Here are the worst relationship mistakes and how to start fixing them today.
Addiction to anything
Addiction on any level – social media, food, alcohol, drugs, shopping or gambling – can sour a marriage fast. “Your addiction quickly becomes a third party in your marriage,” says Lisa Bahar, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Big red flag: If you feel like you’re cheating on your husband when you are doing it, you are. It’s especially true if you’re hooked on the adrenaline rush of a new relationship – even if it’s an Internet or emotional affair and no sex is involved.So stop, and think about what you really value and how your addictive behaviour is affecting your relationship, Bahar recommends. “Exploring your values will help you gain the determination to do the hard work to repair your marriage.” Addictions are powerful. You must first want help and then pursue counseling.
“Once you are on the road to recovery, you’ll be in a position to work on your marriage,” Bahar says.
An over-reliance on social media also puts a crimp on your time together as a couple.
srfing Facebook, WhatsAp, Instagram, Pinterest, or Twitter when you could be with your partner is a bad choice.
Make your bedroom a device-free zone, and agree on a set amount of time when you will surf the Internet or play. So many couples are focused on gadgets and not on each other. Your gadget is not going to provide happiness and fond memories. Don’t let your phone seduce you into neglecting your partner.
Avoiding sex
If you’ve slipped into the bad habit of making excuses about why sex has dwindled or is nonexistent, your marriage may be headed for trouble. Intimacy is the glue that holds a union together. “You can’t set a potted plant in a corner for 20 years and expect it to live,” says couples therapist Valerie Shinbaum, a counselor for Westside Behavioral Care in Denver.
Not in the mood? Your attitude toward your spouse may be the problem.
“You need to feel good about each other to be intimate,” Tessina says. “If you constantly fight, criticize and spout negativity, you can’t be close.” Men and women experience health and mental benefits from orgasms and from healthy physical touch, many studies have shown. A hug lasting 10 seconds or more lowers blood pressure and releases the feel-good hormone oxytocin while levels of stress hormones decrease, according to a 2013 study of men and women ages 20-49 conducted by the Centre for Brain Research at the Medical University of Vienna. So go ahead and cuddle.
Not communicating
Does every conversation turn into a fight? Good communication boils down to learning to ask for what you need; don’t expect the other person to be a mind reader, Bahar notes. Avoid vague statements and assumptions, Bahar says: “Make more ‘I’ statements and clearly assert what you want. What holds us back? Blame bad patterns we saw in our families growing up, such as conflict avoidance, fear of how your husband will respond, unresolved traumas and more. “Learning to really listen to each other is so important, but can be surprisingly hard to do,” Shinbaum says.
Seeing red when it comes to the green stuff
Love of money may be the root of all evil, but arguing over it is the root of many marriage woes. Squabbling over money is the top predictor of divorce, according to a 2013 study from Kansas State University. Couples tend to use harsher language when arguing about money and take longer to recover from the conflict. Researchers recommended that financial planning be part of marital counseling and that couples share their credit reports before marrying. “Many couples don’t know how to discuss money,” Tessina says. “When couples don’t talk about money comfortably, problems are discovered too late. Are you keeping money secrets? Are you struggling over how the money is spent or saved? Financial planning is important for a happy marriage.”
Letting someone come between you and your spouse
Even if you’re close to your parents and siblings, draw a line when it comes to your priorities. When you get married, you’re starting your own family – and your spouse comes first.
That includes spilling private information to your family about your husband or marriage or siding with them over him. Once you marry, you and your partner become primary family. Discuss how to set boundaries with each other’s parents and family members. If your families have different styles and traditions, negotiate with each other first, then present a united front.”
Not fighting fair
Do you spend more time complaining about an issue than working to resolve it?
You and your spouse will inevitably have some differences. The way you settle those differences can either solidify – or tear down – your relationship.Watch your tone and timing. Establish ground rules that reflect mutual respect and trust.
Validate your spouse by acknowledging the points you agree upon and practicing reflective listening. When something bothers you, ask yourself how important the issue really is,
Note *Don’t try to be right; instead, try to solve the problem *Consider your partner’s point of view *Solve one problem at a time *Don’t bring up past issues *Avoid personal attacks and criticism *Don’t use power tactics like guilt, threats and emotional blackmail
*Don’t avoid each other after an argument or disagreement. * If there isn’t some sort of apology, you can wind up rehashing the same argument over and over again.
Forgetting the little things
Everyone craves reassurance and affirmations of self-worth, intimacy and closeness, and assistance, Orbuch’s long-term study reveals. Your husband looks to you to fulfill those needs. But in the crush of your busy life, you can sometimes swoop past an opportunity to pay a sincere compliment or offer to take care of a task you know he hates.
Don’t ignore the importance of tender, loving gestures. Every day acts of kindness are important ingredients in a successful marriage, Orbuch’s study found.
“Affection, politeness and everyday sweetness are important for yur relationship,” Tessina says. “They make everything run smoother.” – everydayhealth.com