Miss Bulawayo returns

The crowd is largely female. A bevy of beauties off the ramp are swaying to South African house music from Professor and Mafikizolo. Pronix takes to the stage.
Fronted by Prosper Ndlovu, they are a new and exciting Afro pop act that is making waves locally. The crowd is taken through their current radio staples such as Champion.
After the boy band, dancing queens in red ethnic regalia stampede the stage gyrating with much gusto. The male dancers join the revelry, doing salacious crotch handling tricks. There is this one particularly unique crowd-pleasing act which this kid does with his hat, kicking it like a football. Afterwards, Babongile Sikhonjwa comes on stage.
Legendary soul-blues music man Ray Charles’ I got a woman sets the mood. Smokescreen enhances the ambience. Model Andile Mpala comes strutting out onto the ramp. The other models in 60s era themed garments follow. At this point, the pizzazz is not lacking and the show is classy and Charles brags about his woman through the speakers.Then comes the swimwear section that I find hilarious in places. Some of the girls look anorexic. And the exaggerated hip shaking does not make the visual very tasteful. Imagine with me, the hip shake of a thin girl! You fear that she will untangle herself perhaps. That is not swagger, it is farce. Admittedly, my opinion is very subjective.
But some of the girls are the very opposite of beautiful. Someone may have cynically included them as props to make up the numbers. I could pick five eye candies. Five only. The rest, in my view, are just naked ambition. Excuse the pun.
Then comes question time, and it’s easy to realise that laughter, besides being the best medicine, can crack ribs.
What does EMA stand for?
Model’s answer: Oh my God, Oh my God, I don’t know.
What are the three places of attraction in Bulawayo?
Model’s answer: The museum!
But there had to be a winner, and Melissa Chaka was crowned Miss Bulawayo after her three failed jabs at the title before.
She may now join Oslie Muringai-Matsikenyeri (Miss Zimba-bwe 2004), Maphala (Miss Zimbabwe 2006), Caroline Marufu (2007), Samantha Tshuma (Miss Zimbabwe 2011) and the reigning queen Dhlakama as a former Miss Bulawayo who goes on to win the national crown.
Michelle Tembo (22) was crow-ned first princess as Bokani Nleya (23) became second princess. Clementina Ali took Miss Persona-lity, a title which was voted for by contesting peers.
I leave the show in the wee hours of the morning; I have a sour taste in my mouth. How must it be to be a beauty queen? You obviously need a sizeable ego. If this is what this whole beauty thing is about, then I must be missing something.
Moreover, the dance groups supplied by the DJs cabal Harsh Touch were largely uncoordinated in their choreography. It was not pretty and I have watched better groups.
Alchemy, their billed group, was just a Naija music wannabe act that even borrowed P-square’s “Alingo”. How did total amateurs steal that stage? How did organisers put these amateurs on such a platform?
The city must always put its best foot forward on major events. It need not be Iyasa or Siyaya. I would strongly recommend serious groups such as Umkhathi Arts Theatre who just came back from a critically lauded USA tour and won the regional Neshamwari Chibuku Traditional Dance competition this weekend at the Manor Hotel.