Sibling rivalry

(Random Trails)

Much as we try to make our kids feel equally loved, they accuse us of showing “favouritism.” We don’t mean to play favourites and deliberately set out to make one kid feel less loved. But if we’re not careful, our subtle day-to-day behaviours can set up deadly feelings of jealousy among siblings. And those feelings can take from family harmony as well as last a lifetime.

Of course, treating kids equally is plain unrealistic: they come packaged with different temperaments, interests, and needs. So don’t drive yourself too crazy trying to make things always fair. The real trick is to minimise conditions that break down sibling relationships and cause long-lasting resentment. Bottom line: while some rivalry is unavoidable, parents can discourage sibling disharmony by giving careful attention to how their household atmosphere is structured. Here are seven ideas to guide you in minimising jealousy and disharmony among siblings:
1. Refrain from comparing behaviours. Never compare or praise one kid’s behaviour in contrast to a sibling: it can create long-lasting strains. “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “Why aren’t you organised like your brother?” All too easily, kids can interpret such comparisons as: “You think he’s better than me” or “You love him more.” It unfairly puts pressure on the sibling you praised and devalues your other child.
2. Listen openly to all sides.
Listening fairly to your kids is not only a powerful way to convey that you respect each child’s thoughts and want to hear all sides. The key is to build a fair relationship with each sibling so that he or she knows that you value each opinion and you are an unbiased listener.
3. Never compare schoolwork.
Kids should compare their schoolwork, test scores, and report cards only to their own previous work — never to the work of their siblings or friends. Instead of stimulating a child to work harder, comparisons are more likely to fuel resentment.
4. Avoid using negative labels.
Family nicknames like Shorty, Clumsy, or Klutz can cause unfair family ribbings and fuel sibling resentment. “Don’t worry, he’s just the family klutz” — as well as become daily reminders of incompetence. These kinds of labels often stick and become difficult to erase, not only within but also outside your family as well.
5. Nurture a unique strength for each sibling.
All kids deserve to hear from parents what makes them unique. Knowledge of that talent nurtures their self-esteem as well as setting them apart from their siblings. Ideally, you should nurture a different strength for each sibling based on natural temperament and interests. Once you identify the talent, find opportunities to cultivate and validate it so each child can be acknowledged for their strength.
6. Find special alone time with each child.
One way to let each child feel treasured is by spending time alone just with each parent. Capitalise on those individual moments as they arise. Make a date with each sibling to have special time just with you then mark it on the calendar. How frequently you meet is based on what’s realistic for your schedule: thirty minutes weekly, ten minutes daily, an hour every other week. Arrange for another adult to watch other siblings or choose a time when they’re gone. “Together” occasions could be: a movie, a walk, lunching at a favourite restaurant, kite flying, an ice cream outing, or just time alone. Then enjoy each other without siblings around.
7. Reinforce cooperative behaviour.
Don’t overlook one of the simplest ways to boost sibling harmony: catch them supporting each other. The moments may be few and far between, but when they do help, share, cooperate, and work well together, tell them you appreciate their efforts. They’re more likely to repeat the behaviours because they know that’s what you want them to do.
BEHAVIOUR TIP: Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to always make things fair in your house. Life just isn’t. Instead, teach kids the skills that promote harmony so they’re more likely to cooperate. — Source: www.sheknows.com
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