Agape love saves marriage (2)

Resolving Personal &
Spiritual Conflicts

1 Corinthians 13:8 Love never fails.Marriage is not for the faint-hearted. It is for those who commit themselves unto death. Those who are ready to change spouses when trouble blows will find that changing spouses does not work because every marriage has got its own problems. What needs to be changed in most cases is not the spouse but the character especially of the innocent party first. The change of character involves a radical move from natural love, which is based on conditions like response of the other spouse, to agape love, which unconditionally loves the unlovable, the undeserving and the unresponsive.

A marriage threatened by a terminal illness, abject poverty, distance, and in-law interference can be saved by the application of the principles of agape love. In the case of extra-marital affairs, it is the innocent party that has to be more diligent in using agape love to stay in love and to save the marriage. Here are some suggestions on how to use agape love principles to save a marriage derived from 1 Corinthians 13, Ed Wheat’s book called Love Life for married couples and Zig Zilgar’s book tilted Principles of Success.

Commitment
1 Corinthians 13:7 says that agape love is unfailing because it, “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”  A committed spouse will not rush to file for divorce but will bear, believe, hope and endure all things.  It is only agape love that equips a spouse with a bull-dog tenacity that says, “I will never let my partner go, no matter what happens.” Ziglar said, “Genuine commitment is never tentative, half-hearted, or casual. Marriage is an ongoing decision. Making that commitment enables you to grow together through hard times. It makes it possible to overcome, persevere, and press on when relationships of lesser stature would have disintegrated long before.”  Remain committed to your partner and show your commitment in word and deed.

Long-suffering
Charity suffereth long (1 Corinthians 13:4). Agape love bears and endures all things because it is patient and long-suffering.  It is not easy to remain connected to a man or woman who is involved in an affair especially in this age of HIV. Separation is most logical but agape love tries by all means to delay it or prevent it by perseverance and long-suffering. Patience or long-suffering does not only refer to waiting for breakthroughs, but it also involves remaining consistent in good character. Ed Wheat advises wives of estranged husbands, “Do not try to reform your husband. Just love him. Do not be bitter against anyone in the situation. Never turn your children against their father.”

Communication
One of the marks of agape love is that it, “doth not behave itself unseemly” (1Corinthians 13:5). Communicate clearly and kindly in both verbal and non-verbal communications.  It is behaving unseemly to ask family and friends to take sides against your spouse.  It is also wrong behaviour to discuss your intimate marriage problems with just anyone. Avoid giving fuel to gossip. It is wise never to discuss your problems especially marital problems with a friend of the opposite sex. Choose your marriage counsellor wisely. You can confide in the Lord, your counsellor or Christian friend you can trust to keep silence.  Avoid trying to defend yourself from gossip or criticism. Keep your mouth shut while trusting the Lord to fight for you.

Revenge
Love is not easily provoked and thinketh no evil (1 Corinthians 13:5). Difficult situations can easily anger you but refuse to be easily provoked and do not think of retaliation. If you continue to walk in love and in truth God will be on your side and He will work for your good in all things. Learn to give your erring spouse honour, love and respect even though their actions may not deserve it. When the other spouse chooses to withhold their love, trust the Lord to meet your emotional needs. He will never let you down because He is a very present help in trouble.

Personal adjustments
Charity is not boastful or proud (1 Corinthians 13:4). There are spouses who are quick to say that they can live alone without the other spouse but agape love is not proud. It is humble and open to divine guidance concerning changes or adjustments in personal life. Instead of trying to reform your poor spouse, change yourself.  Concentrate on yourself, figuring out your own contributions to the present sad situation, redeeming the mistakes you have made, asking God to show you how to change, rather than concentrating on your partners’ failures. Some spouses defraud their partners on the issue of sex and then they cry foul when their partners become unfaithful. Use times of trouble as opportunities to make amendments and to improve your own character.

Understanding and accepting
When your partner finally comes back home or chooses to reform, be understanding and accepting. Do not make constant references to their past mistakes or expect total change overnight.  You can only demonstrate this agape love if you spend much time in God’s word and in prayer.
These suggestions on how to stay in love and save a marriage are not exhaustive but the central point is following the principles of agape love in saving a troubled marriage.
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