Are you being taken seriously?

 (What’s love got
to do with it with Ruth Chigubu)

What is “serious” in a twosome be it in a marriage, friendship, work, church and extended family? The word “serious” means different things to different people in different relationships at different stages of one’s life. Can take it a step further to include different stage of the same relationship to different people. “Serious” has a different ring to a couple in their 20s than it has to a couple in their 30s, 40s etc, married and of course different stage of the marriage. I guess what you are going through as a couple can make “serious” have a different meaning altogether.

If he remembers my birthday when I am 22, I am bound to think he is very “serious” about me, but if the bills are piling up in my 40s I tend to think that “mufacehaasi serious” at that stage in my life my birthday has no relevance. “Serious” has to do with kids going to the best schools, the house we live in, the wheels I roll in and maybe the time he comes home after toiling to provide the so-called luxuries of life which somehow is an indication to me if “Smally” exists or not. Simply put, the life the man provides for us somehow has to do with how” serious” he takes us. He has to do his best with what he has.

In the dating phase, “serious” is determined by how many times he calls during the day, the sms is a page long, the facebook inbox is full, in fact this guy is all over talking to me. I am somehow very convinced that he is so into me, I have a very dear friend of mine who at this stage the wedding bells start ringing . . . REALLY

Is “serious” when he notices your new hairstyle, new dress or the killer heels — this is me in my 20s. In my 40s is “serious “when he takes time to go through my MBA assignment, takes the kids to school or attends sports day. Is “serious” when he brings you your favourite fragrance when he travels, without asking. If he belongs to another is “serious” when he picks your phone on Saturday or after hours. In fact is serious when he informs you of his travel plans and calls you from foreign lands, when he takes you for drinks with his mates and introduces you to his family.

Sisters how do we know “serious” when it’s happening and is “serious” important? Is it necessary or even sustainable or a mere here today gone tomorrow type of thing. Can relationships survive without it? Is “serious” when he returns my missed call or when he is available and reachable all times. For the married sisters, is “serious” when he is honest and transparent and willing to meet you halfway? Compromise is what I am talking about.
Is “serious” not the guy who makes you put on your make-up and does a no-show and yet we go on to make excuses for him. The guy who breaks promise after promise and somehow we continue to run after him. Shame on you.

The guy who does not pick or return your calls, some even take it to a week plus, the guy who is not accountable and the guy who  is “the number you have dialled is not available” worse still “the number you have dialled is no longer in use”. For real, how “serious” is this guy? I should add here that the number is now no longer in use with no warning signs, if there were there did we ignore them? The guy who will not commit and the guy who is available only on his own terms, the guy you prioritise but who merely takes you as an option. The guy you not so sure about, you feel insecure the minute he goes off-line, you only come alive the minute the sms comes through, you breathe a sigh of relief when he calls and you say a prayer when he asks to see you. I want to know how “serious” is this guy?
How then are we so wired to want this guy with so much passion? Why do we as women equate passion with suffering and pain? We want this not so “serious” guy with every being of ourselves and we end up in this cycle asking ourselves “are we or are we not together” as  the only time we are happy is when we are with this guy and admit my sister that’s the only time we have any evidence that the relationship exists.

Is that how we now find ourselves in dead marriages, heartbreaking relationships and we are not sure how we ended up here? We are so concerned with society, church, the kids to challenge the status quo  we would rather suffer in silence and use the “ndogarira vanavangu” old adage. Is it still relevant I wonder. If you find yourself in a non-functional relationship and are willing to stay then do something, strategy + effort = results.
How is “serious” determined and set within the parameters of the relationship. Is it about who holds the power, the hunter, the leader etc. is “serious” being set for us and we find ourselves adjusting to the “serious” tone of the relationship. Are we partaking in setting the “seriousness” of the relationship as a key shareholder or we are found wanting.
What is the man using as his KPIs (Key Performance Indicators). He has a checklist, don’t be fooled girls!! If you score high then “serious” is factored in to the scheme of things and vice versa, low score = no serious. Let me hasten to say that “serious” is relative, you could start with a low score and work your way to a huge diamond on your finger, performance, performance my sisterwo!!!!!

How come then that the guys who are not so “serious” about us are the ones we become euphoric about( kwadzinorohwamatumbu……) Is it because these men are not available for a committed relationship that there is such passion and somehow these relationships can fire our imagination moreso than a committed one? How come? Somewhere along the line we have been taught that women have to work hard at maintaining the relationship (mushamukadzi….)hence we put up and absorb all sorts. It is a battle we are trying to win.
What are we to do? The answer lies within you.

– Ruth Chigubu is freelance writer and businesswoman based in Harare. She can be reached on ruthchigubu@yahoo.com