Is it really possible to fully regain trust after infidelity?

After losing your spouse’s trust, it is very important to be truthful. Pic Shutterstock

CHEATING can be a devastating blow to any relationship, ultimately leading the couple down a path of dysfunction and unhappiness. And although some couples push through the pain and survive through a whole host of means, including counseling, heart-to-heart conversations, and just a great deal of patience, it doesn’t happen quickly.

Luckily, experts offer vital advice that can help you regain trust and restore your relationship. I’ve gone on the search for some of the best tips to move past such a major obstacle in one’s relationship, and here are the helpful tips I found:

Be honest

After losing your spouse’s trust, it is very important to be truthful. Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage said that by being completely open, honest and vulnerable, you will give your companion a good reason to trust that what is being said is the truth. “Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know-your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future,” Harley said. “It guarantees transparency so that nothing that your spouse does is ever hidden from you.”

Listen

If you were the one who stepped out in your relationship, marriage psychologist Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D. said that it could be difficult to listen to your partner’s hurt feelings because it can be painful for you to think of yourself as being “the bad guy.” “Accept the fact that, for the time being, your spouse is going to resent you, feel betrayed by you, and needs to tell you this,” Gunzburg said. “If you are able, listen without being defensive. Don’t try to justify your infidelity and avoid comments that throw the blame on your spouse. Remember that you always had choices and you chose to break your vow.”

Be accountable

According to clinical psychologist Janis A. Spring, a person can often mistakenly urge their significant other to put the pain behind them and move on rather than giving that person the time to grieve. Taking responsibility for one’s actions and allowing the hurt party to feel the way they do is vital in rebuilding trust. “The unfaithful person must own up to 100 percent of their guilt because no one forces you to cheat,” she said. “Just as importantly, the adulterous partner must be prepared to face the heartache that their infidelity has wrought.”

“Talk about what made you do it. Opening up about your own struggle, the need to get help, and the awareness of what got you there in the first place will help to prevent further infractions,” said psychotherapist Bill Cloke. He also mentions that talking about your feelings of alienation is the best way to reconnect.

Make your significant other a priority

Harley’s “Rule of Time” states that a couple should give each other their undivided attention, at the least, 15 hours every week. “Use that time to meet each other’s emotional needs for affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment,” he said. Harley also suggested that couples should “Get out your schedules and write each other into your appointment books. Once scheduled, don’t let anything interfere with your time together.”

Be patient

Marriage and family therapist Sheri Meyers said that sometimes it’s going to feel like you are moving two steps forward and three steps back. “One day it seems like there’s hope for tomorrow, and the next day, you’re sleeping on the couch again,” she said. “Have a plan in place that will help you to stay calm and centered while you navigate through the inevitable bumps, obstacles, landmines and setbacks that will happen.” Patience is everything. And as Meyers recommends, be prepared to take positive action when that emotional roller coaster takes a dip.