Learning to love yourself

What’s love got to do with it  with Ruth Chigubu
February is a month of love, everywhere and everyone advocates love. We focus on romance and what the other person is giving. We spend so much time waiting to be loved, hoping love will find us. Wanting someone to give us love and fill us up. Unfortunately that’s not usually how life works. To be able to be loved you must love and respect yourself as much as you do others. Understanding the effects of loving yourself will only enhance your ability to love others. By doing so you are enabling positive energy and allowing for great situations to occur in your life. Loving yourself is not a one time event but an ongoing process, moment by moment.

What is self-love? It is regard for one’s well- being and happiness. It is not a vain love of egoism and narcissism, a preoccupation with one’s self and general disregard for others. Self-love is an abiding willingness to meet your needs, allow yourself to think and feel whatever you think and feel and still see yourself as essentially worthy, good, valuable and belonging in the world deserving of happiness and love.

Half the issues we carry about are because we don’t look in the mirror and validate the person we are looking at. Some don’t even know the person staring back at them. How many of us can really say honestly that I am true to myself. A lot of us are not really sure so how then can we seek validation from others without validating ourselves. Love starts from within. It is only when we understand self-love that we can really begin to give love to others.

Self-love is developed early on in life and if childhood experiences damage our sense of self-significance, a lack of love can dog us for a life time. Self-love is instilled when parents or care givers show an unconditional positive regard, if not the sense of self may become shaky and wounded. Self-love is related to our sense of purpose and meaning in life and can be further influenced by society. Our capacity for self-love is enhanced by the quality of our relationships, competences and accomplishment, freedom and respect.

 Why is self-love important? It helps to realise that you are as important as anyone else and what you think and feel is valid. For many of us that is the most difficult part. Maybe you have grown up thinking that others are always better than you and you don’t matter and people aren’t interested in you unless you bend over backwards to accommodate them, putting their needs before yours. This thinking will lead you to conclude that others’ happiness is more important than yours and it isn’t.

Self-love involves some of the following:
1. Considering your needs…if that means others don’t get all of you, it’s OK, people can learn to adjust and be responsible for themselves.
2. Caring for yourself with the same level of effort that you do for others …preferring some quality time alone, it’s OK, not selfish.
3. Self-care…treat yourself as kindly and thoughtfully as you would anyone else, it’s OK.
4. Accepting yourself for all that you are…your strengths and weaknesses, it’s OK, you are only human
5. Saying no to others…it’s OK, you are not totally responsible for everyone.
Along with many other things in life, introspection and evolution has taught me an invaluable lesson in caring for myself. Use this month of love to resolve to do some self-analysis and measure the quality of your relationships but most importantly resolving to practice the art of self-love. Have a love affair with yourself. Practice it long enough and it becomes second nature. Why wait for someone to love you when you can love yourself first? Extending too much love to others can leave us lacking in love for ourselves. We must walk the fine line of attending to others and tending to ourselves, all the while never falling second to the needs of another. Because to love ourselves and to know ourselves is to recognise the full spectrum of our powers.
– Ruth Chigubu is a freelance writer and businesswoman based in Harare. She can be reached on ruthchigubu@yahoo.com