The counselling trap

Once a family member contracts this dreaded disease, immediately our faith for divine healing diminishes, our hope for long life is dashed and our marriage vows to cleave to our partner in health and in sickness become worthless. If someone had not taught us not to be negative about being positive the situation could have been worse. The trap facing many a pastor in counselling discordant couples is whether to prescribe termination of the marriage or not. One of our valued readers presented this situation to me for comment.
Reader: Dear Pastor Mairos, I have read your article on forgiving others from The Financial Gazette, it is very interesting. I have asked some pastors about discordant couples and did not get an answer. Would you as a pastor allow such a marriage to continue especially when the one infected denies that he is positive and wants conjugal rights to continue? Your help is greatly appreciated.
Comment: Perhaps the main reason why some pastors did not answer is because the issue is too complicated and sensitive to prescribe a simple continue or divorce answer. My comment is guided by scriptural principles like: God hates divorce; divorce is permitted on the grounds of unfaithfulness; abstaining from sex by consent, and what God has joined together let no man put asunder.
The very intertwining nature of these scriptural principles show that the mater of marriage is too complex and sensitive to give a specific formula that applies to all similar situations. That is where the trap is; the how to manual does not apply in these situations where reality, practicality, spirituality, sensitivity and risk must meet together at once.
Assuming that all actual facts and figures pertaining to the real HIV status of the couple have been determined the discordant couples must sit down and squarely face this new challenge together. They have two options only: either to continue in marriage or to terminate it.
Continuation brings up the factor of risk on the part of the negative one. This may be resolved by agreeing to practice safe sex or abstinence. The feelings of the negative one towards risk and safe sex must be taken into account. Abstinence removes the risk but the attitude of the infected one and the ages involved must be fully considered. If safe sex is really safe or if abstinence is possible then continuation will be the best option in the sense that the couple will care for each other and keep the unity of the family as well avoiding the devastating effects of divorce.
Termination of marriage has the positive effect of preserving the life of the negative partner. However, if the union has children, their custody and support should be fully considered.
These are general guidelines but to prescribe which one in a given situation is not for the pastor or counsellor to do.
The couple must earnestly pray to God for wisdom to either terminate or continue. If they are not in talking terms, then the negative partner must seek God for revelation and do whatever God tells him or her to do.
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