Surviving death trauma

A few days later, we lost the Vice President of the Republic of Zimbabwe, Joseph Msika, described in The Financial Gazette as a key pillar in the liberation struggle that brought Zimbabwe’s independence.
May their soul, rest in peace.
In this article, we look at ways of coping with the loss of a loved one. We all know that it is certain that at one stage in life one will be faced with it, but death may come when one is totally unprepared, especially emotionally. This   can be the most traumatic experience in one’s life.
Although we focus mainly on our emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophical dimensions.
Where limited support is given, bereavement carries a high degree of risk, with severe reactions to loss resulting in trauma for children, spouses and other family members. However, the grieving process and period can be managed.
Loss of loved ones brings with it increased risk of marital breakup following the death of a child. It is especially true where death is followed by blame apportionment between parents.
Issues of personal faith and beliefs may also face challenge, as the bereaved persons reassess personal definitions in the face of great pain.
Most societies and religions specify manners such as rituals, styles of dress, or other habits, as well as attitudes, in which the bereaved are encouraged or expected to take part.
While many who grieve are able to work through their loss independently, accessing additional support from bereavement professionals may promote the process of healing.
Deaths resulting from suicides, murders, accidents among other sudden and unexpected deaths can result in complicated grief due to the shock.
The surprise makes it difficult to assimilate the story of the loss, so the bereaved str-uggle with the initial task of simply believing that the loss has occurred.
Different cultures grieve in different ways, but all are vital in healthy coping with the loss of loved ones. Christians  derive their survival strengths from the scriptures and beliefs that, “The Lord brings both life and death; he brings some down to the grave, but raises others up” (1 Samuel 2 v 6).
Death of a child
Death is certain, but will always be untimely especially if the loss is that of a child. The loss could be in infancy such as abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death or the death of an older child.
In all cases, parents find the grief almost unbearably devastating and while many may rate the death of a spouse as first in traumatic life events, the death of a child is still perhaps one of the most intense forms of grief, holding greater risk factors.
This loss also bears a lifelong process, where most do not get ‘over’ the loss, but instead assimilate and live with it.
Intervention and comforting support can make all the difference to the survival of parents and their relationship in this type of grief.
The intensity of  emotions may trigger irrational decisions. In the event of a miscarriage or abortion, it is important for friends and family members to acknowledge the loss of the pregnancy and not to attempt to trivialise the significance of a pregnancy that did not come to term.
Parents who suffer miscarriage or abortion may experience resentment towards others who experience successful pregnancies.
Loss of spouse
Although the death of a spouse may be an expected change, it is particularly traumatic.
A spouse often becomes part of the other in a unique way. Many widows and widowers who lose partners after a long marriage find it  difficult to begin a new life.
Furthermore, most couples have a division of labour set up, e.g. the husband mows the yard and works the garden, the wife pays the bills etc, which in addition to dealing with great grief and life changes, means added responsibilities for the ber-eaved.
Social isolation may also become imminent as many groups composed of couples find it difficult to adjust to the new identity of the bereaved.
Loss of parent
To most children, the death of a parent means the end of the world. Without support to manage the effects of the grief, the loss may result in long term psychological harm.
Therefore, it is important that the emotions the children feel are worked through completely and discussed openly. An infant, under one or two years, is thought to have no reaction if a carer dies, but this is far from the truth.
This is especially true if the loss is around critical periods such as 8-12 months, when bonding and attachment is developing. Even a brief separation from a parent or other person who cares for the child can cause distress.
Adult children may be expected to cope with the death of a parent in less emotionally. However, the loss can still invoke extremely powerful emotions.
This is especially true when the death occurs at a critical period in their lives such as when they become parents themselves or at graduation.
It is important to recognise the effects that the loss of a parent can cause to children and put in place measures to calm them.
Loss of a sibling
The loss of a sibling is a devastating event and sibling grief is often a disenfranchised type in that it is overlooked by society, thus negating the depth of love that exists between siblings and the parent.
At the Michael Jackson memorial service, given an opportunity to speak, Janet Jackson summed it up when she said, “To the rest of the world, Michael is an icon, but to us he is family”.
Siblings who have been part of each other’s lives since birth help form and sustain each other’s identities.
With the death of one sibling, comes the loss of that part of the survivor’s identity. The sibling relationship is unique  as they share a special bond and a common history. Siblings often complement each other and share genetic traits.
Siblings who enjoy a close relationship participate in each other’s daily lives and special events, confide in each other, share joys, spend leisure time together and have a relationship that not only exists in the present, but often looks toward a future together.
Siblings who complement each other are essential to each other; the sibling relationship can be the longest significant relationship of their lifespan and this loss intensifies their grief.
Adult siblings eventually expect the loss of aging parents, the only other people who have been an integral part of their lives since birth, but they don’t expect to lose their siblings first.
As a result, when a sibling dies, the surviving ones may experience a longer period of shock and disbelief. With the loss of a sibling, a substantial part of the surviving sibling’s past, present and future is also lost.
Conclusion
When death occurs from whatever cause, it is a heart wrenching experience. Take heart. God will light your way when the light goes out.

-Philip Mataranyika is the CEO of Nyaradzo Funeral Assurance Com-pany. He can be contacted at mavmat67@hotmail.c om