Grieving after spouse’s death

The husband and wife relationship is one of choice. It is the one from which new relationships are formed. Family ties and bonds are built and sometimes broken as a result of the break up of the couple’s union, but the blood relationships will remain.
Spouses’ lives are shattered in cases where the separation between them is brought about by the loss of one due to death.
Death invokes emotions, and in husband and wife relationships, the emotion is driven by agape love —  love that is unconditional — the one that the apostle Paul talks about in 1st Corinthians chapter 13.
It is almost certain that at one stage in our lives, we will be faced with it, but death, whenever it comes, finds us totally unprepared. When death strikes, the parting is always painful, followed by grief and an almost overwhelming sense of deprivation.
This state of shock normally includes disbelief, separation, anxiety, despair, sadness, and loneliness.
Joseph who lost Linda, his wife of 15 years and has lived without her for more than three years, now tells his life story.
“It has been three years since Linda, my wife  and best friend, passed away. I’m doing fine although the pain of losing her is still unbearable. I pray that God will take the pain away, but at the same time, I’m scared of losing it. I’ve learned that only time will help and that grieving is something you cannot prepare for or explain to others. My feelings have been so different than I expected. I’m sure each person greaves in his or her own way. Linda was not the first person whom I lost in my life. While in high school, my several friends died in separate car accidents. Not best friends, but close enough that I had been to their homes. As a young adult in my 20s, I lost one cousin to cancer and another to Aids. I lost my maternal grandmother when I was 25. She was one of the strongest, sweetest and wisest people I had ever known. I also lost my paternal grandfather. My wife Linda died of cancer, so we both had time to prepare each other for what we knew would eventually happen. Hospice provided us with literature and personal support. I felt I was ready for the day Linda died, but I was not.
“We learned that Linda was terminally ill in the doctor’s rooms. I can still see the  innocent look that Linda gave the doctor when she asked how much time was left before she died. I could tell she was trying to spare him the pain of having to deliver the news. I think we both knew well before the appointment that Linda’s days were numbered. That point in time, when Linda asked the question is when everything changed. We did not cry as we left the hospital. I remember crying as I drove the two of us home, but only for a moment. I don’t remember seeing Linda cry that day.
“From that day onwards, I believe I would cry everyday while driving to and from work. I don’t remember crying at home or at work, but I remember having to clean the tears from my glasses after every so often. Before this experience, I would not a cry. My mother and sister once commented that they didn’t remember seeing me cry as a child. I’m a believer that men don’t cry, at least not in public.
“I’m sure God helped me through that period of time and having Linda around made things bearable. Although I was sad from time to time, I would not say I was depressed. I knew Linda was going to go to a better place and that God had other plans for me. Everything happened so quickly. The doctor gave Linda 10 months and she died after only three.
“For some reason I didn’t cry that much after Linda died. I was probably in shock. We had arrangements to make and people to visit. I had gotten so little sleep the week before Linda died that everything seemed a blur. I just wanted everyone to go home and for the funeral to be over. I knew living alone without Linda was going to be painful and I wanted to get on with it. Although it was nice to see relatives, I also wanted everyone to leave so I could start my life all over again. It took about a week before the funeral was done and everyone had gone home. I was finally alone in our home.
“I was surprised how much I enjoyed getting cards and notes. Cards would sometimes come from people that I didn’t really know. It felt good to know that they were thinking and maybe even praying for me. I have always felt uncomfortable sending condolence cards to clients or people I am not close to. I can see I was wrong. Each of the cards meant more than any of the senders will ever know.
“Recently I read an article on grief that was written by a bereavement coordinator for a hospice association. He stated that when his wife died of cancer, he thought he knew what to expect and that he would be fine. He said he was not OK and that he ‘was ignorant of the grief process.’ He went on to say ‘friends and family are well-meaning in their attempts, however, they truly don’t understand the depth of your loss.’ You can imagine this coming from someone who is an expert in grief and grieving. I still cry daily — tears hurt both physically and mentally.
“Living without Linda is still difficult. However, the pain is no longer increasing. Even after all this time, I don’t think my mind has realised that she is not coming back.
“It is more than three years now since Linda died. Although it seems like just yesterday, I’m doing much better. I have realised that grieving is a process that takes time.”
-Philip Mataranyika is the CEO of Nyaradzo Funeral Assurance Company. He can be contacted at mavmat67@hotmail.com