Facilitating healing process

She wonders whether this is normal and questions if there is a normal time line for grieving. Sarudzai says she misses Tawanda’s presence in everything she does. She cries in the morning, afternoon and more often at night. She feels even lonelier because most of their friends do not come home any more and says that she has not been able to date again.
A considerable number of people find themselves in Sarudzai’s predicament and it is not abnormal because what they need is healing. Healing is not an event. It is a journey, often perilous and without clear direction, that must be travelled when recovering from losses and significant life changes. It may take weeks, months and years, for others it takes a life time, depending on the person and the type of loss. There is no right or wrong, perfect or imperfect way of dealing with a loss. Each person’s experience, like each grief experience, will be unique.
Loss of a loved one can be compared to a tidal wave that takes you over, smashes down against you with unimaginable force, and sweeps you out into darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out to an unknown destination. The experience of loss, just like grieving, cannot be ordered or categorised, hurried or controlled, pushed aside or ignored indefinitely. It is inevitable as breathing, as change, as love. It may be postponed, but it will not be denied. Loss is a common experience that can be encountered many times during a lifetime; it does not discriminate for age, race, sex, education, economic status, religion, or nationality.
Unrecognised, unprocessed, and untreated acute depression following a significant loss can result in personal anguish, functional impairment, strained relationships and triggers the risk of suicidal tendencies.
Loss is a powerful, universal feeling, but it is survivable.
Each person travels on his or her own unique journey in experiencing loss. Each person’s experience of loss will have subtle nuances that will make it unlike any other loss, but the commonality as in grief, is the intense feelings of loss. What we have in common is that the grief response is felt most intensely by the heart.
There is a common language those who have experienced grief speak, one that can often be understood without words. Many times all that is required to let someone know you have been there, that you understand their grief, is a gentle touch on the arm, a reassuring hug or a heart-felt note.
It is in the sharing of the losses of many hearts that our own heart begins to heal. We need to be reminded that we are not alone in our losses, that someone else has experienced similar losses and survived. As the grieving person recognises that others have survived their loss, they will begin to realise that they too can survive their loss.
Sharing the losses, telling the grief story or expressing the feeling in writing or other creative endeavours, no matter how painful, is important in the healing process.
Healing will be recognised when the grieving person is at a point of being able to share with others their story of loss. Sharing helps the heart grow stronger, more sensitive and more understanding of our suffering and that of others.
Dr Robert Sc-huller aptly sums it up when he says, “To accomplish this one must sense the need to change, open their mind to change, assimilate the loss, face and work though the pain to ultimately learn to live again with the loss.”
An obstacle frequently encountered, during the healing process, is wanting everything to be exactly the same as before the loss. This is impossible. Life is forever changing.
After a significant life-changing event like death, a person is forever transformed.
Changes that may result from the loss need to be assimilated so the grieving person can start living again in a world without their loved one. Some people instinctively turn to outdoor and nature-loving activities as a way of relaxing and enhancing their well-being.
Nature can aid in facilitating self-awareness and promoting healing. Images of the rebirth in nature can be useful as symbols of our strong internal forces. They help cultivate the hope inbuilt in us that after all we can survive the loss. For many the outdoors is a source of inspiration and regeneration. The healing experiences of the outdoors and the wilderness can serve as a very valuable resource to help the grieving and the ailing in discovering their inner forces by using visual examples of nature overcoming adversity ever-present in the wilderness.
Time spent outdoors can be restorative and healing. Whether running, walking, hiking, watching the last rays of the setting sun, or being out in nature is one of the best prescriptions for overall health and encouraging healing.
Nature provides us with a multitude of ordinary, reaffirming and renewing experiences, the sound of the first bird of spring or the sight of the early morning sun. In being one with nature most become aware of the infinite circle of life. There is evidence of decay, destruction and death; there are also examples of rejuvenation, restoration, and renewal. The never-ending cycle of birth, life, death and rebirth can put life and death into perspective and impart a sense of constancy after experiencing a death.
During times of loss the grieving may find themselves looking for ways of making some sense of what often seems insensible. Many turn to their faith and traditional healing by saying, reciting or hearing blessings or prayers. Others turn to words written, spoken or sung, by either themselves or others to soothe their grieving hearts.
For me, reading words written centuries ago or contemporary works that capture the essence of the emotions reinforce the knowledge that I am not alone in my grief.
With many losses, the pain never entirely departs; rather it becomes a part of the bereaved, tucked away in a corner somewhere in the deep recesses of the heart. There it remains at a constant low level ache. As one begins the healing process, the pain lessens to a level where they can function again. Hopefully in time, the loss and the grief are integrated and become barely perceptible. Life begins anew, but it is a life forever changed. Even for Sarudzai as it is for me the passing of time may come as a respite from the pain and troubles experienced in the past.
Time has got a way of renewing and healing us. A day, a week, a month and now a year past, all to help us find ourselves in a never-ending circle of renewal and healing. The recovery phase begins slowly.
We are blessed for making it into the new year, let the healing and renewal begin, let us have a rebirth even, like that of a caterpillar spinning a cocoon to hibernate during dark times before emerging as a butterfly in the spring.
I wish you all a happy, prosperous and healing 2010.
– Philip Mataranyika is the CEO of Nyaradzo Funeral Assurance Company. He can be contacted at mavmat67@hotmail.com