Resolving family strife

Strife means conflict or fighting. It is increasingly wreaking havoc in families today. Its root cause is none other than the devil himself whose mission in the world is to steal, kill and destroy all that is good.
However, Satan can only touch us when we give him a place. So both husbands and wives are to blame for contributing to family conflicts. In this week’s instalment focus is on the husband’s contribution to family strife.
One of the major weaknesses of most husbands is uncontrollable anger and it is the most unbearable to ladies as they expect chivalry.
 There is a root of irritation in us men/women that keeps anger alive in our lives. Whether this root of irritation is congenital, hereditary or is developed as a defence mechanism is uncertain. What is certain is that it does exist. This root of irritation is not cut off at salvation; it takes time to be completely removed. It is this irritation within ourselves that causes us to sometimes lash out at our wives at the slightest provocation.
Instead of us accepting our failure to control our temper we rationalise our bad behaviour by projecting the blame on our wives’ silly mistakes. One of our most difficult tasks is to say that we are sorry especially to our wives. Though the word ‘sorry’ is just a small five-letter word, to us men/women it is a long and unutterable word.
Our short temper is triggered, not by big blunders of our wives, but by their little errors or little “foxes.” These little mistakes or oversights include: misplacing documents, car keys and toothpaste; late preparation of food, letting the maid serve us food while she is relaxing on the bed, informing us late of groceries that need to be replenished, forgetting to replace a button on a shirt, spoiling the broth by either burning it or using too much salt. True, these blunders may be annoying but our reaction is too much as we make mountains out of molehills.
Men argue that the irritating nature of these little foxes is not in their first occurrences but in them being repeated over time.
The discovery that she has burnt the relish again triggers our short temper.
Consequently, comments and remarks are passed that spark strife. However, it is not the provoking power of the wives’ silly mistakes that we are concerned about here. We are concerned about men’s weakness in being easily provoked and our failure to control our temper.
The opening scripture points out that our failure to defer or control our temper is the problem. It says, however, that it is a glorious or honourable thing for us to be able to control our temper and to overlook our wives’ mistakes. In other words, we must make an allowance for mistakes on the part of the weaker vessels- our wives.
We should be tolerant, understanding and kind. We are to cover a multitude of sins through love that is not touchy or easily irritated. Mild virtues like patience and long-suffering need to be cultivated to replace irritation and anger.
The process of controlling anger involves replacing the emotion of anger with that of love.
The ability to ignore the minor irritants of our wives’ when they are trying hard to hide them from us is our glory indeed.
To remain silent and act like nothing has happened even though we have discovered that the mistake has been repeated is a credit of righteousness and loveliness to us men. But to do so is not an easy thing. The accuser, Satan, pressures us to pass a sour remark and strife starts.
Naturally our reaction is two-fold: Either we notice it and give a disrespectful comment like, “my mother cooks better than you do.” To which the wife responds, “you should have married her then.” And the rest is strife. Or we keep quiet but with an evil silence and erupt like a volcano when asked why. To cultivate this mark of genius — overlooking our wives’ silly mistakes — requires effort, time, meditating on the positives of our ladies and allowing the Holy Spirit to control our emotions.
To see that she has messed up again and joyfully take a walk without passing a poisonous comment is godliness and glory of the highest order. And few have yet attained this glory.
We will focus on wives’ contribution to family strife in the next article.

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