Staff Writer 
Thought Leadership
Betty Murambadoro
“Relationships are like bubbles ― they’re fragile”. – Michael Douglas
IMAGINE how frustrating it is to unintentionally injure a relationship after innocently tinkering with it. The fragility of relationships remains a puzzle that many battle with. When we tinker with relationships we either debit or credit the relationship strength. Tinkering can be in form of making minor adjustments, in some cases even just experimental.
These small changes can in fact be well-intended to throw a pleasant surprise to a relationship. But the mystery is in that the outcome of such tinkering can go either way. You just don’t know when what was meant to be a light moment gesture can backfire. Or miraculously, a minor gesture can manifest into a lifetime bonding of a relationship. But still, I hate it when I can’t tell upfront what my tinkering with a relationship can potentially achieve. Perhaps the intention is to repair, enhance or simply deepen the connection. What you say, do or think can potentially either eat into the relationship or add onto its growth. The dilemma is on what to touch and what not to, as we navigate relationships in the family, community and marketplace.
As I reflect on the many relationships I have nurtured over the years, I recognise four distinct types that have shaped my understanding of connection, trust, and the consequences of tinkering with them. Some relationships are in the category I term “if it’s not broken don’t fix it”. Just don’t rock the boat. If they are quiet just don’t start anything out of the ordinary. Just continue from where you left off last time. Such are some of my relations. They are just functional that way. Likewise, some business partners thrive in you being consistent in doing what you have always done over the years. I once risked a slight withdrawal from what I had been doing over the years. I observed some form of shock arising because of the expectations I had unintentionally created for years. I fortunately took immediate corrective action to salvage the relationship from potential deterioration. I dare not tinker again with this one.
There are some in the category of “live relationships”. You just must be on the ball. You are expected to know what’s going on in their lives. Somehow, they expect you to be up-to-date with their affairs even if they haven’t volunteered the very updates. Strange, isn’t it? Such are some of my beloved relationships. I often resort to probing, showing up unannounced, and they just love it. These are my high-maintenance type of relationships. You just can’t sleep on the wheel. Upon a particular incident happening, they repeatedly brag that “I knew Betty would definitely show up”. Seriously? I call this anticipation, expectation, or taken to extremes, entitlement mentality. I admit that for most of my relationships in this category, I strategically find ways to navigate through to avoid being manipulated, while balancing the warmth I should still guard in maintaining the relationship. Very sensitive they are and any miscalculated tinkering can potentially result in irreparable damage.
Some are in the category of granting me “family member status”. There is no bloodline connection, but they have somehow bestowed me a family member status because of my interactions and history with them. Years ago, I attended a funeral service for a business partner’s relative, with zero intentions of proceeding to the burial site, a hundred kilometers from Harare. As we were exiting the auditorium, I overheard the business partners allocating mourners to cars parked along the street. Yes, you guessed right. An authoritative voice directed two mourners to catch a ride in Betty’s car. It was assumed that as someone who earned “family member status” I was part of the entourage proceeding for the burial ceremony. There was no way I could tinker with that setup, so I quickly complied. That relationship has transcended my career changes and remains strong.
Then there is another tricky category I term “tread with caution” relationships. They can just erupt suddenly or snap unexpectedly if you tinker. When they show up, close associates play eggshells tip toeing around them. This is where enhanced “know your person” (KYP) applies. Even when you know you are right, there is no need to hammer it in. You tinker with this at your own risk. Rather find a way to infuse your correctness without causing volcanic eruptions. Years of relating with this category taught me what no-one prepared me for in navigating relationships dynamics.
From the years of tinkering with relationships and watching others enjoy triumphant victories or nurse wounds from not so good outcomes, I derived the following tips.
1. Decoding the unwritten rules to a relationship takes high alertness and closeness. In the marketplace, this means going beyond basic traditional know-your-customer;
2. If we all knew what’s ahead we would make well-calculated tinkers. But life as we know it does not always show us likely outcomes. We will venture out. We will tinker. In your tinkering with relationships basic principles still apply. Guard against undermining, disrespecting, ridiculing or demeaning. Rather strive towards uplifting, encouraging, motivating and elevating;
3. As we forge the experimental tinkers, be aware of possible outcomes and know how to make amends in the event of an adverse reaction;
4. Whenever feasible, find ways to creatively and diplomatically test the tinker before implementing it. This helps to proactively gauge upside or downside impact.
5. Relationships differ. Some demand the spirit of discernment, intentional investment and meaningful engagements. Indeed, relationships are fragile assets that must be managed with respect and emotional intelligence.
I pen off this 16th article, taking stock of the numerous relationships I have tinkered with. I am certain of where I should make amends or simply enjoy the triumphant enhancements achieved. Every experience counts.
l Mumbadoro is managing director Nedbank Zimbabwe
